Challenging Negative Thinking - Assertively Defining Your Boundaries

Challenging Negative Thoughts

Technique	Description
Examining the evidence	Negative thinking usually involves exaggeration of the negative, or imagining the worst. You need to look for the actual evidence of what happened rather than simply assuming that your version of the events is the correct one.
Befriending yourself	Negative thinking turns you into your own worst enemy. Instead of beating yourself up, think about how you would react to a friend in a similar situation. What would you say? Would you be as harsh and judgmental as you're being to yourself?
Putting things in context	You should try to put your thoughts in the context of your life as a whole. This will help you to dismiss some of your most outrageous negative thinking, and possibly see the extent to which you're exaggerating the problems you face.
Looking for the positive	Try to see the positive in any situation. From the starting point of "the presentation was a complete disaster," you should be able to draw positive aspects from what has happened--usually something will have gone well.

Assertively Defining Your Boundaries

Step	Description
Get attention	Getting attention means finding a time when it is appropriate to talk, and then calmly explaining your perspective. You should always deal with issues quickly, but it is also important that you choose a time when you aren't feeling angry or irritated. This may involve a "cooling off" period. You should also make sure that you can discuss the issue without distractions. You need to explain why you are unhappy or unwilling to comply with a request. Avoid language that is critical or accusatory, and stick to the facts of the situation. It is also helpful to offer a concession to the other person to show that you are being reasonable.
Command a positive response	When you've got the attention of the person you're trying to negotiate with, you need to get the response you want – a positive one. When you've made the other person aware of the facts of your situation, you need to get them to buy-in to helping you. You can do this by inviting them to change the situation or by getting them to see the problem from your perspective. Remain calm and reasonable even if the response is negative. Show that you would appreciate a serious offer, possibly to withdraw the request or to compromise. If no offer is forthcoming, or if you disagree with the other person's proposal, make a proposal yourself. Being assertive means being forceful and not caving in to pressure at this point.